New Year, New Fears

I know I shouldn’t be helping with the preparations, but instead of doing my thesis (which I have been doing for months now) I helped my mom and my younger sister cook for the New Year celebration. Today, I’m this funny and energetic Kim whom my siblings enjoy to tease and laugh at.  Though exhausted, I enjoyed preparing for the New Year celeb with them.

After being with people for almost a day, I felt the need to be alone with myself. It’s because I was afraid. I realized that after tomorrow, I’ll be back to reality, whether I like it or not. After these happy moments with the people I love, it’s time to face the challenges that the coming year would bring. And I should again become this independent young lady that I was before. My parents would be going back to our province and we would be going back to school when classes resume. Though a new year is awaiting, everyone’s going to have his/her old problems back. Everyone including me.

For almost three weeks since I was hospitalized, I enjoyed the feeling of dependence. Since I entered college, I tried to do things on my own.  I couldn’t bother my family with the difficulties I encountered since they were in the province dealing with their own  problems. Though I have become independent, I was blessed with friends and relatives who would check on me once in a while. My hospitalization made me depend more on the people around me, and I have to admit I enjoyed the feeling.  I missed it. This Christmas vacation allowed me to take a leave from my responsibilities as an older sibling, as the eldest child, as a batch pres, as a cell leader and member and as a student. Until January 3, I’m a carefree young lady enjoying being cared for by the people around me.

As the New Year celebration becomes a reminder of the reality that awaits, fears start to shake me. Today, I’m enjoying my parents’ company but tomorrow  I’ll be facing challenges alone. I’m afraid of not being able to find an organization for my thesis and not being able to finish it on time. I’m afraid of not being able to graduate on time because of my current health condition. I’m afraid of not being able to withstand the pressure and the difficulties of the coming year. I’m afraid of the challenges, the surprises, the twists and turns and the things that would come my way. I’m afraid of what might happen.

Despite all the fears, I’m choosing to welcome the year with greater faith and courage. Instead of becoming this independent young lady again, I would return a more dependent child, dependent and trusting on her Father who remains in control of her life.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

With this promise, I’m reassured of one thing:  I am not alone.

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2 thoughts on “New Year, New Fears

  1. Wow, thanks so much for that. I have been feeling so Discouraged and fearful for this upcoming year, but reading this and the Book of Matthew 6 (where Christ tells us not to worry about anything) i have renewed courage. Thank you a Million

  2. I’m not aware of what you have been going through. All I know is that God is with you every second of everyday. He loves you so much that He gave up the one he holds most dear, for you. Keep on believing.

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