I have forgotten to work hard for the car that I would be buying them so that they would always have hassle – free trips whenever they’re here in Manila. I don’t want to see Papa coming here carrying a lot of boxes from the province. I have forgotten my dream for them because I wasn’t able to remember their great love for me and for my siblings.
If there’s someone who does not pack light when travelling, that’s Papa. He would bring anything from the province. Charcoal, coconut husk, tables, adobo, banana etc. Those heavy wooden tables could not have been of good use to us if not for Papa who brought them here. Whenever I remember how his body carried everything before just so he could earn money, how he tirelessly worked to raise his family and to send his siblings to school, I would tearfully thank God for my father’s life. He has gone through a lot of pressure, challenges and problems and he was faced with very difficult situations even at a very young age. Even now, when he should be resting from all of these, he still battles courageously the family’s problems. As I write this post, I feel like crying because of my oblivion. How could I forget how Mama and Papa endured everything? How could I forget their stories?
I thank God because He made me remember. A day ago Mama and I had a conversation. We talked about how the three of us are doing. She told me how she felt about Joshua. She is saddened by his actions. She doesn’t feel my brother’s deep love and gratefulness. I realized how I am doing. Like my brother, I failed to express my deep love and gratitude to them. I failed to remember that their time is short. I forgot to thank them, to call them and to respond to their simple questions and hi’s and hello’s. I forgot to reassure them of my love. Is it because I forgot how much they love me? Their love. They love us so much that they work hard for us. Even sparing a peso for their personal wants is optional because they prioritize our allowance and my sibling’s tuition fees. Right now, as I realize my shortcomings, I begin to ask this question: What could bring joy to my mother’s and father’s heart? Right now I am moved to come before the Lord with a grateful heart and with a heart that asks. Again, I’m asking that He gives me more time.
Lessons/ Realizations I’ve had lately:
1. The heart is deceitful
Jeremiah 17:9 says “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? ” It doesn’t mean that if I feel I love him so much, I truly love him and he’s good for me. Right now, when I think about spending my life with him, I know I won’t be happy. I remember the heartaches and the hopelessness that I felt when I chose to care for him before. For almost a decade, I lived hoping he’s the one. For almost a decade, my heart deceived me into believing that there is no one like him, and that no man could be best for me except him. Right now God tells me that there’s someone He has set apart for me and that “he” is not him. I know God is good in strategically working things together to fulfill his purpose and I know He’ ll be giving me the person, my partner in transforming this nation. We will be making the promise of not only loving each other for the rest of our lives. We will be coming before God together to promise that we will be working as one in bringing more people to Him as long as we both live. I know right now he’s out there leading people to God. As He prepares me to become a mother of a generation that genuinely loves Him with their lives, I will not spend my time waiting. I will spend the coming 10 years being a disciple.
2. If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. (1 Cor 10:12)
I was talking to Mom about Papa not being humble anymore. I was telling her he could use another humbling experience to keep his feet back to the ground. During the conversation, we both realized how difficult it is for Papa to be consistently humble. Like most people, he needs to learn the same lesson for so many times. I realized what I was saying about Papa was what I should be telling myself too. “Do you want another failure for you to relearn humility?” These past few months, I have been really proud. I do not talk with my sisters inside the cell group because I have this perception that they’re not good in the areas in their lives, that they’re average and that they’re really not giving their best in their studies, in their career and in solving their problems or in making their situations better. I have met people who excel but do not have God in their lives. I admired them that much that I forgot how excellent people at Doulos are. I forgot how Jesyl tries to serve God with all that she has. Just because she’s not yet able to solve her financial problems, I thought of her as someone I could not learn from. Having this mindset makes me like Jen when she told Keren she was weak during our videoke session. I was so irritated with Jen that I didn’t talk to her the whole night. Ate Jayne might feel the same way if I tell her how I felt about my sisters. She might tell me that they’re the people who have been really trying to give the best despite the situations in their lives. They’re the ones who are truly excellent and the ones whom I could learn from. Tama naman eh.
The lack of humility lately has made me ill- tempered. Unlike before, I’m easily upset by others’ imperfections (as if I’m perfect). My attitude towards simple mistakes and shortcomings of people made me a bitch (pardon me for the term) to them. Instead of compassion, I had condemnation. This is not me. Haven’t I seen my own shortcomings clearly that I often spot mistakes of people intentionally? Blindness. Recently, I have been blinded by my small achievements that I failed to see my weaknesses and my failures. This is dangerous. I might be caught off guard. This could be the start of my great fall.
Right now, I’m left with the cross. I won’t let go of the grace and the promise You’ve given me. I’m continually tested in these areas and what I could do is hold Your hand tight. I’ll focus my eyes on You until we cross this deep water.