I Had my “Topak” Moments Too

Working during the past weeks for academic requirements was exhausting. I was working for something that’s not gonna last and what’s worse is that I know these things make me a monster. I was surviving gracefully. Grades are ok and I’m learning to be a scholar, a true scholar that will do anything for the pursuit of knowledge. I felt happy but as time goes by, I feel empty and discontented; I still feel there’s something lacking. Because of the busy life, I don’t have time for God anymore. Maybe that’s why I still feel whatever this feeling I have. I wish that all these academic requirements would already be finished so that I could serve God again. But if the worldly life would not leave me, I should choose what life I really wanted to live out. If I choose to live out a life that pleases the world and does everything that it asks for, I would really turn into a monster, a monster that gets mad easily and hates everything that gets in the way as she fulfills her worldly duties. I would feel really exhausted like what I’m feeling right now. I would hurt people, even those I love, and I don’t want that.

During times like this one, it’s better to pick a Christian music to listen to. Like what I’m doing right now. Just relax and forget about the bad things that happened, forget about the things you need to do, forget the world. Just sit there and enjoy the music and ponder on what the lyrics are telling you.

I have done terrible things today. I hurt some people because of my bad temper. I hurt God because I don’t do my devotions anymore. I wish I could take those hurtful words back, I wish I did my devotions so that I did not end up hurting people and God. But time has already passed. All I could do now is start living my life the way I did last semestrial break. That was when I was on fire, on fire of loving and serving Him.

P.S. I will always remember my father for the Christian cds he used to buy.

Hindrances to Growth

1197500_13250170Reasons why many people do not grow:

1. No revelation of the importance of discipline.

Ang mga taong walang disiplina, malayo sa paglago.

And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”[a]

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

2. Unable to see the importance of spiritual authority

Those who do not recognize the value of their spiritual parents feel they are orphans. God chooses for you.

3. They don’t know their sweet spot

4. They don’t know the next steps

33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

If you want to grow, the first step is to know Him.

Are you preparing yourself? Your success/ growth requires preparation.

Thought for the day: Akala ng mga tao wala silang spiritual problem dahil may religion sila.

The Training of the Trainer

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If you are grateful to someone, you will value what he or she says. Equipping makes my hands work harder.

1. I am trained to develop a culture of supernatural faith.

2. I am trained to establish world conquest vision in my heart.

3. I am trained to pray more

“Prayer works” – ” Nagtatrabaho ang panalangin”

4. I am trained to develop compassion for the lost souls

Attracted and mga tao kay Jesus kasi nakikita nila na may compassion siya. They follow not just for the miracles.

5. To develop spirit of discernment

6. I am trained to live in the supernatural

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

Crossing Over

Crossover May 8

 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.”Matthew 5:13

We are expected to be reliable

Being reliable means being reliable in all areas; consistency

Work according to your value not according to your salary.

Pang – P100K salary ba ang pagtatrabaho mo?

You are the salt in your office, you influence.

To be an influence…

1. Initiate

Actively participate. Unang – una dapat hindi ikaw yung nagpapapangit.

2. Inspire others to take part.

A Prayer for Healing

A Prayer for Healing and Blessings

 

 

 

 

Lord, today, I come to you in humility and in awe of all the things You are doing in my life. I take this time to thank You for your goodness to me and to those I love. Forgive me for not seeing Your faithfulness throughout the years. Forgive me for complaining instead of thanking You for Your provision and protection. Lord You hold my life in Your hands. I know that You are aware of what’s happening in my life, my physical and spiritual condition. Right now I pray for healing for both my body and spirit. Heal me of the diseases that keep me from doing Your will. Heal me and give me more years to enjoy and use this life for Your glory. As I remember Your promises of prosperity and good life, I claim all the blessings that You’ve promised me. Help me become a good steward of this life and everything that comes with it. I bring You back all the glory and honor and I pray this in Jesus’ name, amen.

Iyakin

Lord, naging napakaiyakin ko na lately.These past few days, lagi na lang ako umiiyak pagkauwi sa bahay. Umiiyak dahil sa mga tao na ayaw magpa-lead. Umiiyak dahil nadidisappoint, napapagod at nawawalan na ng pag-asa na makakabuo pa ng 12, na magle- level up ang mga tao na pinaglaanan ko ng panahon. Lagi kong nakakalimutan na kahit wala akong nakikitang resulta at pagbabago sa response nila, may nababago naman sa akin. I remember what You said: “Do not forget that they hated me first.” Bahala ka na sa kanila Lord. Nakakaiyak din po ang mga pinaparanas Nyo saken. Yun bang walang -wala na ako saka kinukuhaan, saka nawawalan. I need a breakthrough in my finances Lord. Just last night I cried out, asked/ demanded that you bless me. This reminds me of what Jacob told you before: “I won’t let you go unless You bless me.” Naiiyak din pakiramdam ko ako lahat ang kelangan maghanap ng solusyon sa mga problema sa bahay, hindi ko naman pasan ang daigdig. Ako ang mgaba- budget, mag-aabono sa budget, tatawag sa customer service kapag may problema sa utilities. Both people and circumstances are challenging me. At work, sa bahay, sa ministry. Umiyak na ako sa Inyo dahil hindi ko na maintndihan ang mga nangyayari. Alam ko na may purpose kung bakit mo hinahayaan ang mga nakakaiyak na bagay na ito. May plano ka, pero sana naman po Lord,  imbes na umiyak matuto akong lumaban at magtiwala sa Inyo. Buti na lang andyan Kayo para iyakan ko. Nakakatuwa lang din. Parang akong bata na matapang naman, pero lalapit din sa magulang para magsumbong. Pagkatapos, pababalikin ng magulang sa labas para harapin nang maayos ang kung ano man o sino man na nagpaiyak sa kanya. Lord, nakakaiyak, pero andyan Ka naman.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don’t turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

‘Cause I’ll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don’t fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world’s sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you

July 06, 2015

After 1 year and 5 months, hindi na po ganun kaiyakin.

Lord, hindi na po kagaya ng dati na gabi-gabi na lang umiiyak ako.

Lord, naalala ko pa po may panahon talaga na parang gabi-gabi na lang umiiyak ako kasi nasasaktan ako sa kung paano ako i-treat ni Hannah at sa pagiging apathetic and disrespectful minsan ni Joshua. Umiiyak din po ako dati kasi hindi ko na alam ang mga nangyayari sa buhay nila, baka may mga problema silang dinadala nila mag-isa. Lord umiiyak din po ako kasi nasasaktan ako sa attitude nila towards You. Naiiyak po ako dati kasi tinatawag nyo po sila in a deep relationship with you pero parang hindi po sila nagrerespond sa tawag ng pagmamahal Ninyo. Panginoon, maraming salamat sa pag-ayos sa pamilya ko. Lord, ang bagyo at unos ay lumilipas din po pala. Salamat po kasi binigyan Nyo po ako ng mas matibay na pananampalataya kaya ngayon po kaya ko nang maniwala na ang pamilya ko ay para sa Inyo. Thank you Lord for changing the hearts of Hannah and Joshua. I know Lord that Your promises will come to pass. Be the center of our relationship and our family. May You be glorified and be honored in our family. Lord, help me see that we will be serving You together as a family.

I’ll never let you go

Mama

She’s one cool woman. There are times when she would call and ask, ” Inggay it nagpapangrayaga sa imo? (May nanliligaw na ba sa’yo)?” I would just laugh and tell her I’ll have one at the right time.

Mama has a unique habit. She wakes up every 3 or 4 in the morning everyday to think, to pray and to cry her heart out to God.

She is emotional. When we have these serious conversations about our family, about life about what they’ve gone through, she would be carried away and silently cry. During my graduation lunch, she shed a tear when I looked at her and thanked her for sending me to college. I had to crack a joke after.

She’s also objective. She’s not easily affected by what other people says. She is not easily offended nor dismayed. Despite the possibility of losing face, she still pursues. That’s one of things I admire about her.

My Mom is someone I can boast to. I often tell her how mightily God works in my life, how I’m changing and becoming braver in living my life here in this city with one OC sister and a phlegmatic brother. That’s my way of assuring her that they do not need to worry about us. We’ve become independent since we left our hometown to study here in the metro and giving them a call every now and then makes them feel what they have to say is still important despite us being able to live life on our own.

Mama is also someone I could talk to about family concerns. I share my hopes and fears with her but mostly it’s sharing positive and hopeful thoughts about the future. We talk about how we’ll work together to ensure that things will run smoothly for the family. My Mom and I, we’re strategic planners. My Mom is my partner. Talking to Mom, I have to remember to be always a source of encouragement.  I am very careful with my words. I have this role of reassuring her that everything will be great. She has this habit of panicking easily and talking a lot when things seem out of control (like when something unusual happens to her email). Thanks to my relationship with the Lord, I can become a blessing to her through my words and actions. I walk her through the step – by – step process of solving whatever there is.

The Lord is faithful because for 8 years of living apart, my Mom and I were able to share very meaningful moments. We braved the flood during a typhoon because we had to leave the house for a training. We experienced the best and worst hotels. She would always bring me to where they were staying during seminars, save me food and allow me to stay for the night with her roommates. We went to Atty Madrona together to talk about the case of the house and the actions we would take. We went to PCSO together to fall in line at 5:00 a.m. We skipped the boring and long ceremony during my sister’s graduation and went to the on-going festival nearby. We would pray together. That’s how I learned about her very deep faith in the Lord. My Mom, she’s the strongest. Right now, she lives alone in our home in the province because my father started living with us for dialysis.

What I’ve Forgotten

 

I have forgotten to work hard for the car that I would be buying them so that they would always have hassle – free trips whenever they’re here in Manila. I don’t want to see Papa coming here carrying a lot of boxes from the province. I have forgotten my dream for them because I wasn’t able to remember their great love for me and for my siblings.

If there’s someone who does not pack light when travelling, that’s Papa. He would bring anything from the province. Charcoal, coconut husk, tables, adobo, banana etc. Those heavy wooden tables could not have been of good use to us if not for Papa who brought them here. Whenever I remember how his body carried everything before just so he could earn money, how he tirelessly worked to raise his family and to send his siblings to school, I would tearfully thank God  for my father’s life. He has gone through a lot of pressure, challenges and problems and he was faced with very difficult situations even at a very young age. Even now, when he should be resting from all of these, he still battles courageously the family’s problems. As I write this post, I feel like crying because of my oblivion. How could I forget how Mama and Papa endured everything? How could I forget their stories?

I thank God because He made me remember. A day ago Mama and I had a conversation. We talked about how the three of us are doing. She told me how she felt about Joshua. She is saddened by his actions. She doesn’t feel my brother’s deep love and gratefulness. I realized how I am doing. Like my brother, I failed to express my deep love and gratitude to them. I failed to remember that their time is short. I forgot to thank them, to call them and to respond to their simple questions and hi’s and hello’s. I forgot to reassure them of my love. Is it because I forgot how much they love me? Their love. They love us so much that they work hard for us. Even sparing a peso for their personal wants is optional because they prioritize our allowance and my sibling’s tuition fees. Right now, as I realize my shortcomings, I begin to ask this question: What could bring joy to my mother’s and father’s heart? Right now I am moved to come before the Lord with a grateful heart and with a heart that asks. Again, I’m asking that He gives me more time.

 

Lately

Lessons/ Realizations I’ve had lately:

1. The heart is deceitful

Jeremiah 17:9 says “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? ” It doesn’t mean that if I feel I love him so much, I truly love him and he’s good for me. Right now, when I think about spending my life with him, I know I won’t be happy. I remember the heartaches and the hopelessness that I felt when I chose to care for him before. For almost a decade, I lived hoping he’s the one. For almost a decade, my heart deceived me into believing that there is no one like him, and that no man could be best for me except him. Right now God tells me that there’s someone He has set apart for me and that “he” is not him. I know God is good in strategically working things together to fulfill his purpose and I know He’ ll be giving me the person, my partner in transforming this nation. We will be making the promise of not only loving each other for the rest of our lives. We will be coming before God together to promise that we will be working as one in bringing more people to Him as long as we both live. I know right now he’s out there leading people to God. As He prepares me to become a mother of a generation that genuinely loves Him  with their lives, I will not spend my time waiting. I will spend the coming 10 years being a disciple.

2. If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. (1 Cor 10:12)

I was talking to Mom about Papa not being humble anymore. I was telling her he could use another humbling experience to keep his feet back to the ground. During the conversation, we both realized how difficult it is for Papa to be consistently humble. Like most people, he needs to learn the same lesson for so many times. I realized what I was saying about Papa was what I should be telling myself too. “Do you want another failure for you to relearn humility?” These past few months, I have been really proud. I do not talk with my sisters inside the cell group because I have this perception that they’re not good in the areas in their lives, that they’re average and that they’re really not giving their best in their studies, in their career and in solving their problems or in making their situations better. I have met people who excel but do not have God in their lives. I admired them that much that I forgot how excellent people at Doulos are. I forgot how Jesyl tries to serve God with all that she has. Just because she’s not yet able to solve her financial problems, I thought of her as someone I could not learn from. Having this mindset makes me like Jen when she told Keren she was weak during our videoke session. I was so irritated with Jen that I didn’t talk to her the whole night. Ate Jayne might feel the same way if I tell her how I felt about my sisters. She might tell me that they’re the people who have been really trying to give the best despite the situations in their lives. They’re the ones who are truly excellent and the ones whom I could learn from. Tama naman eh.

The lack of humility lately has made me ill- tempered. Unlike before, I’m easily upset by others’ imperfections (as if I’m perfect). My attitude towards simple mistakes and shortcomings of people made me a bitch (pardon me for the term) to them. Instead of compassion, I had condemnation. This is not me. Haven’t I seen my own shortcomings clearly that I often spot mistakes of people intentionally? Blindness. Recently, I have been blinded by my small achievements that I failed to see my weaknesses and my failures. This is dangerous. I might be caught off guard. This could be the start of my great fall.

Right now, I’m left with the cross. I won’t let go of the grace and the promise You’ve given me. I’m continually tested in these areas and what I could do is  hold Your hand tight. I’ll focus my eyes on You until we cross this deep water.

Right now, I feel like jumping in a cliff. I want to detach from everyone and just spend some time alone with myself. I want to scream. I want an outlet. I want to vent out.

I’m tired of carrying a lot of things. I’m tired of what’s happening in my life. To be exact, I’m frustrated and depressed with a lot of things right now. I’m frustrated because I can’t move forward with my life. My classmates have jobs already. They’re starting to reach their dreams and establish themselves in the marketplace. I wasn’t troubled before. I would say I know God has plans for me. Now, I don’t want what’s happening anymore. I want to move forward. I want to move up. I have realized that I need to do a lot of work. I need to find a job, maintain the house and finish it. I need save money for my parents’ healthcare, buy them a car and take care of the business back home. I also need to make myself better in many areas. I need to learn how to budget my time and money. I need to become a more effective communicator. I need to become a more effective leader. I’m frustrated because I’m having a hard time doing those things. I want change. I want a drastic change in my life and all I could pray about is for that change to take place already.